Carne Levare

Know Other People

The New Kind of Hero

Posted by Remy on April 21, 2009

So Peter is in the garden, he has his sword, he has been chosen by Jesus because of his superior ninja skills. The war is about to start. Jesus has just entered into Jerusalem on a donkey, the kingly animal, the people have lifted him on their backs, thereby, in the eyes of Rome, signing his own death warrant. Push is about to come to shove.

Peter, as an educated man, knows all about the heroes of the past. Not only King “Ghostface Giant-killa” David and studly killing machines like Samson, but also the slaughteriffic Achilles and the macho Odysseus. Peter sees all sorts of correlations between Odysseus and Jesus, the unnamed, suffering hero, returning home, protecting the bride… 

Suddenly the bad guys surround Jesus. This is it, this is the moment, the beginning of the revolution. Peter strikes! He cleaves the ear of the enemy clear off! That wily coward must’ve dodged, but before Peter can get in another blow Jesus steps in. Jesus explains that he will surrender peaceably. Good idea, says Peter, that’ll catch’em off guard. Let them bring you right to them. Slaughter the jailers, recruit the prisoners. 

Jesus explains that he’ll be beaten within an inch of his life, then ridiculed, stripped naked, and nailed to a tree.

Peter nods. Not exactly the plan he had in mind. See he had this sword here in his hand…

Jesus tells him next that he will die and he will descend into Hades.

Ah, Peter nods. Yes, of course, just like Odysseus. Right, right. He slaps his forehead. Then once you come back that’s when the killing starts. This way the people will be on your side since those awful Romans killed you.

Jesus tells him that once he rises he will ascend into heaven.

Peter says, Um…I don’t think you’re taking this whole Savior thing serious.

But I will send you my Spirit, a consuming fire, Jesus says.

Peter’s eyes light up. Coooool, toast’em.

No, I’m sending the Spirit to you.

Even better, replies Peter. I’ve always wanted to shoot fire out of my fingertips. So this is when the slaughtering starts. You know, conquest, taking over the kingdom, that sort of thing?

Yeah, except the fire is for your tongue. 

Um…so, I don’t get how this is going to help me kill people. You see, there are rules, heroes slaughter. There’s this new book, Aeneid, pretty much the best epic ever, right? So this guy Aeneas he’s founding this city, like someone else I know…get me? So Aeneas rolls in and starts slaughtering, I mean, he doesn’t want to at first, but once they reject him (familiar right?) he goes to town on their tergums (pardon my Latin). Good book, you should read it sometime.

Jesus says, Yeah, yeah, but instead of all of them dying I’ve got a better idea. I thought we would all die. You know? For the world.

Peter says, I’m pretty sure you got the plan backwards, they die, we live. That’s pretty much how it’s always been.

Trust me on this.

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